just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
they just dont make restraining orders like they used to.
Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Bro, I just googled 36 year old pussy so when I do see it I won't be shocked.
You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?
Needless to say, she forgave him, they're back together, and I'm seriously considering having a lesbian year.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
You know you drink too much when the bartender at your favorite bar recognizes you at chipotle with your sunglasses on.
Randomize
