I wish I only lived at night.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
new low.... made out with someone while peeing
I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
IDK but this explains my bloody dashboard.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
That's not a good night. A good night is waking up with no skirt, no money, and the imprint of the edge of the bar on your forehead.
My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
I'm not in it for just the sex. If I wanted mediocre dick once a week I would have stayed with one of my exes.
Tomorrow is my bachelor party. If I die tomorrow, please know I graded you a "check" as a sister. "Check-minus" when you got mouthy.
Randomize
