rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
No see this is how It goes: guys will fuck virgin girls. But girls don't really want to fuck virgin guys. So you're good have no fear.
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
Drug-sniffing dog walked past me and my suitcase in the train station. My opinion: they need a new dog
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
Thanks be to the Goddess of Whores!! I straightened my bed before Ken got here. Found Calvin's boxers in the sheets!!!!
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
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