in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
The iPad is going to make my porn collection SO much more glossier... thanks steve jobs.
okay have fun. but Under NO circumstances ever attempt to outdrink the german exchange student. no matter how badly you want to blow him. just don't.
First week back and I made to one class, its gonna be okay after all.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
Like, you've got the smoothest dick in the west. Do you moisturize?
Yes I do
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
