Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
It was like she tried to cover up all the weight she gained with a fake tan...
so why are there three stressed gay men and a bowl of vomit in the smoke room?
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
He looked at me and just said "moist". The entire party shut down from uncomfortableness. He is an anti-party wizard.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I made a joke about The Hemingway being a really boring sex position where you blandly describe all the action and then kill yourself after you orgasm. He stopped responding. I've GOT to stop talking to everyone like they're you.
You're never gonna guess who's blood is on my shirt
Why do I feel like I really don't want to hear the end of this...
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
It shouldn't be this hard to find someone who you haven't blown.
Randomize
