im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?
how high are you?
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Just thinking about this summer makes me feel a slight tingle of an orgasm mixed with a twinge of regret as the cold ghostly feeling of multiple hangovers creep into my body.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
Randomize
