my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I would rather deep fry my own cock while it's still attached to me than have his life.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
You ninja crawled over five sleeping guys to get in my room at 6 in the morning to wake me up for sex
...and I think that may just be my favorite moment in our fuckbuddyship
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
I just fell in love with a beard, the guy it's attached to isn't great but I think I'm going to take one for the team
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
He showed up with a hearse full of beer and is currently shooting pumpkins with a flare gun. Who gives a shit if he's a furry. We need to party with him more often.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
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