You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
our drinking schedule never changed, we just drank at work.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
You don't understand. If you watched a video of the shenanigans that occurred in my life over the past 48 hours you would gasp worse than the girl who witnessed me puking in my bag at the children's hospital
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
I may, or may not have licked his face in an Applebee's.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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