there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
perfect. if all else fails remind him how anxious he is. talk real fast and induce a panic attack that only I can remedy with xanax.
No...this little piggys going to the bar
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
Your choices in alcohol this weekend are thoroughly disappointing
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Look, I need your help, not your judgment.
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