I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n
Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
I understand that just don't try to seduce me while making frozen pizza again.
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
