i permit you to call me
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.
Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
i'm half naked talking to a cat. you don't have to justify your life to me.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
Netflix, eggnog, and bed? Maybe some hand stuff?
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Just sitting in the tub googling "how to remove sharpie from skin". You?
I woke up with my phone plugged into an extension cord in my garage. No clue how I got home. Videos of me flogging my roommate with my set of keys telling him he's the worst roommate ever. And my mom woke me up at 8am asking how to make a DVD...Goddamnit first Friday.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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