Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.
Can't promise anything, there's vodka in my thermos
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Were you the one who yelled "FOR GLORYHOLE!" then punched a hole through my door?
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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