She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
Just follow the currents of life. And if they take me on to a guys dick, so be it.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
Even in drag you're still better looking than your sister.
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
