i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
All my money is going towards making my vagina hairless
Worth it.
I'm going to be an 8 year old girl down there foreverrrr #fountainofyouth
Last thing I remember was a hand in the pants. Then I woke up next to a full beer and a McDouble, which I promptly had for breakfast.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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