Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n
sry, psychiatrist trumps professor
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
Randomize
