You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.
i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.
do girls know yet that the best boners are in the morning?
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
I got to the point where it seemed like she had 8 giant breasts instead of just two
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I've just never had a dinner guest strut in, go directly to my bathroom, vomit.. then come out demanding whiskey and food.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Noo not in a booty call way, in a 'How are your abs and penis doing today?' sort of way.
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Hey. I hope you have enough room in your car for me and a Honda civic front bumper.
Randomize
