i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
This guy just walked into class and first thing he did was grab the garbage can, walk to his desk and say "just in case"
I checked into jail on foursquare
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney
Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
Haha I wasn't coming anyway. I'm watching Snow White and don't want to put pants back on. Those are completely unrelated. Have a good night.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
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