I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
I'm at derby!
The kentucky derby! But its night time, theres no way the horses are awake at this time.
The guy dancing on me has three visible teeth. WHERE ARE YOU?
I may or may not be laying in bed naked watching The Nanny. Niles is so spunky.
after drinking 6 jumbo margaritas he then proceeded to tell the entire restaurant that he was going to "bust a load in me" when we got home....how do you think the rest of my night went?
ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.
He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
So I was laying on the couch reading a book and he texted me. All I saw was the image of him spitting on my vagina last night in the moonlight. I gagged.
So, I found your eyebrow, someone glued it in between my eyebrows so I looked like I had a unibrow when I went to work...
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