It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
It's no longer hooking up, we have definitely graduated to Sport Fucking....
drinks after work?
that question mark offends me.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
