so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
There's a knife in my toilet. And I meant to ask you last night if you got a hair cut?
Power hour was a bad idea. It turned into power 4 hours, then power puke. Then power sleep till 3.
No man. Everyone needs to shit off a roof, at least once.
She said, after pronouncing how sober she was, and I quote 'Take this bag, it's so heavy it's like 500 degrees! Wait, is it time to go? Can I run? I think I can run!' Then she ran away.
I had a dream he was standing in front of me naked and flexing while yelling VICTORY and gizzing all over the floor.
He tried to do the do on me last night and my exact words were "stay away from my princess parts. they're renovating."
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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