First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
New level of high: If I could bathe in my salsa right now I would.
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I'm watching the Brazzers version of Mary Poppins and enjoying it. Volume on and all. 45 minutes.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
Between randomly bursting into tears and the reappearance of my lost sex drive, this break up has left me bizarrely damp.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Sent. All. My. Texts. Like. This. Last. Night. Thank. You. Weed. Also. Had. A. Dream. About. A. Serial. Killer. That. Killed. Everyone. Except. Me. And.
Randomize