y did u give ur computer a hand job?
I don't understand how he can't hear himself snoring, but he'll wake up to me sneaking m&m's from my junk food stash beside the bed...
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"
There are beer cans & oyster shells along the side of the road. I belong here
why is my underwear the only thing i was wearing that smells like vodka?
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
dude he's still passed out in my bathtub. and his dick is half way in a 40 bottle... i really hope he was just trying to piss in it
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
We watched ESPN, hooked up, got waffles. You know, a typical weekend.
Ahhh the shame of taking out my recycling
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
