Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.
it's been dubbed the summer of antibiotics
Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Thing I said while arguing: I want to be single again so that I can have pizza and dick rained down upon me.
Pulling out all the stops on being a lady.
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Last night i walked into a gas station to get condoms. I threw them on the counter and the guy gave me a funny look because i was wearing a bra under an open cardigan and no shoes. I screamed "DONT JUDGE ME!" and he gave them to me for free.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
