Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Aparently his snake got loose in the middle of the night. Not a sex joke, he has a fucking snake
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
My arrest report says I was found in midtown "performing lewd and lascivious acts on top of art meant for public display and enjoyment".
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
WEED BROWNIES! He put weed in my brownie mix! And he got it from YYYYOOOOUUUU!
Look at the bright side mom. After 20 years dad is still capable of surprising you!
Shut up Max.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
