How many times do you have to sleep with a guy before you get him to kiss you???
I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
