I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
IM INA KID IN KING ATURHTS CUNT!
A Kid In King Arthur's Court? Like the movie?
CUNT. CUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUNT
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.
you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
Last night you were prentending to be a broom stick...you were laying on the floor and humming the Harry potter song.
Randomize
