we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
The stripper started talking about murdering people....that lapdance turned dark.....
90% sure the total babe I have been talking to all night has a kid. Ugh, so sad right now.
Im so high
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