Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
No idea how he made them, but vodka water balloons were a horrible idea.
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Please send pictures of any nice new years ladies you run across in town, as I've forgotten what women look like.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Randomize
