Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
The forecast for tonight is alcohol and low expectations.
You're the only meteorologist I listen to.
Definitely but only if you hit on the 16 year old in the karate class as part of your waffle and gin fueled sexually deprived rage.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Shhhh less advice, more soothing words and dirty phrases
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
Randomize
