I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
i am fully taking advantage of taking advantage of him
i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
how do you play pong handcuffed?
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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