Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning
I learned his name tonight. This now makes him a real person. Obviously, I no longer want to sleep with him.
Walk of Shame time yet?
Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
My roommate just walked in on him eating me out ..happy finals week right?
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Yep. Just fucked a 34 year old on the football field where we both went to high school. That's a story for the grandkids.
Randomize
