Black out sex on the trampoline? yes please.
that coffee was exactly what I needed. Also whose awesome hat is on the couch with ear flaps? I wanna put my head in it
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
She's lying on the sidewalk wailing that she is gonna die alone, with hundreds of strangers watching us, and also we lost Kate, . Please help me
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
don't pay it forward
I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I stole a tiki torch last night and just returned it. Things have been better.
I'm beginning to think shitting his pants is just a normal thing for him.
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
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