Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
How did people poop without Blackberrys?
Motorola Razers?
Stone age, man.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
We broke into her grandpa's pool at 2 am and I held my underwear out the window on the way home.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
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