I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
Don't know whats worst me sharding on her a bit or her believing me when i told her she did it...
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I think I just saw the silver monkey from legends of the hidden temple sitting out in someone's trash
GO. BACK. NOW.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.
She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
drunk boyfriend and drunk me are NOT meant for each other
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
Randomize
