On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
So for Valentine's Day...I finally swallowed. I feel like I earned that steak.
So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
The struggles of a small town man whore
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
While walking to class I was handed a red bull, condoms, and a mini bible. I love my school.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
It's been a week I should not still be finding glitter in my pants.
Randomize
