you would pick up someone in the library
If you die in college, do you die in real life?
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
So we went to home depot to buy supplies to build a beer bong but ended up buying an office water cooler that were going to put vodka in
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Lmao. We just snorted some mystery powder uriah found packged up in my car, that i know has been in there almost a year... Its adventure time.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
He started yelling "you tha man!" while I was reverse cowgirl
I wonder whether Megan will forgive me if i have phone sex in her attic
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
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