i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.
It takes a special kind of man to fart REALLY loudly right before entering a woman and still get some. This has been a state of bootytown address.
Like he and the nurses kept being so persistent with it and I just wanted to run out of there in my backless gown and yell FUCK OFF BITCHES IM OUT
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
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