did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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