Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Why can't public transit accommodate my lifestyle of drinking til midnight on a Monday?
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
