bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
You threw up in your own shoe then wore it home
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
I was out of weed and my vibrator broke, so I'm now at Red Lobster.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
Heels with jeans turned Casual Friday into Casual Sex With My Boss Friday
Randomize
