Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Next time you see his dad you should let him know you are now Eskimo brothers.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
Randomize
