Is there a "Plan B" app for my iphone?
upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
If you don't sleep with him after showing him your thong with the bow, I am no longer on your side.
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.
... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
A milkman. But instead of milk I'm delivering marijuana. And instead of a milk truck it's an armored car.
You're a weed delivery man, in an armored car?
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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