Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
so I finished the entire bottle...next thing I know, it's 8 am and I wake up on the fucking beach in the low tide with a family standing about 30 feet from me just staring.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Drunk and alone at a magic show is what my life has become without you
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
All the doctor said was why
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
I’ve gotta be honest, I didn’t expect to have sex. I didn’t shave... anything. You couldn’t have been impressed.
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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