ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
They're fucking on the bed next to me. I took adderall and smoked so there's no fucking help for me.
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
he was really really nice, and I did coke off of his dong that night too
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
