Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
1 I really miss college walks of shame 2 I think I may have killed this girls cat
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
So what happened at girls night? My roomate found me passed out locked out on the front steps of the house and it was raining. Yes low moment
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