In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
Whatever, you were 10 deep and there was a hot tub. No judgment.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
I wasn't going to just ask my parents for a damn vibrator for christmas
I fucked his roommate. And that roommate's best friend. And my roommate. And my roommate's old roommate.
i'm bowing down, but slow your roll.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
