A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people
and u failed math?
That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.
I will rub McFlurries all over you.
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
I've had to do a couple req orders today and I would like to submit to you an order form to requisition DAT ASS
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Is there any reason why a taxidermic donkey head is in the shower?
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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