Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.
She bet her virginity on the Celtics. Looks like Kobe wont be the only one breaking in a new ring.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
on a brighter note, the cop thought i could kick adams ass if it came down to that and said he had $20 on me if it ever happens
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
I'm not sure if 14 year old me would be disappointed or proud that I fucked him behind her middle school??
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Maverick's sitting in jail wearing a turkey costume and I am soooo jealous.
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