i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
As the cops are taking us away I see the strippers taking our DD backstage.
I never forget a pussy, even blackout me gives me that memory.
FINE YOU CAN EAT HOT WINGS WHILE WE HAVE SEX
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize