i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
Sorry I called bc I needed help peeing outside
But I did it
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
I currently hiding in an upside down garbage can please come find me
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