I felt like helen keller
But she could have totally found that shit before me
Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
zippers are such a cool invention
so as we were driving to pick up my grandma from old navy she procedes to yell into our open window.. "I'll make ya holla fo a dolla" umm...
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
So we were fooling around last night and suddenly Like A Virgin popped up on his itunes
OMG haha What did he say?
He told me that if I laughed, I would have to leave.
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