Dude, I woke up in the kitchen, naked, with a blueberry bagel as a pillow.
Can I eat your pillow?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.
I'm missing some hair, but it's cool. Breadsticks are done.
Way to high for badminton right now. This is gonna be a shitshow.
Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
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