just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
She told me I was lying in front of her toilet for an hour saying "lasers."
i think he saw me take a picture of his dick
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Of all the things that can be stripped of me i'll be damned if it's my vanity
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
For the first time in my life, I still have money by the next payday. Who is this responsible person and what have they done with the real me?
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Randomize
