I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
My penis hasn't been this frustrated since I was like 13 and I awkwardly got boners at school dances
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
I have a bottle of rum in my pocket...what does that say about me...
You come prepared
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
did you call me last night and say you were being kidnapped?
My fire has petered out without you
My Peter has fired out without you
That might be the most romantic thing you’ve said to me, unfortunately.
Babe, I'm gunna be straight with you. When you act like a dick it makes me regret not fucking my manager last week.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
