i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The man at the Honda dealership told me I smell like vodka and probably shouldn't be driving.
I have new birth control, three bottles of jack, and some coupons for micky d's. You wanna have that sleepover?
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
So his 25th anniversary post of love to his wife was almost verbatim what he said to me last week. Does that mean I win or lose?
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
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