He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in
Funny. I made out with his brother for the first time in a bathroom too.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
You would think a husband, a boyfriend, and a vibrator would be enough. But sadly it's not
There will be plenty of opportunity for me to sexualize Mike via VenMo.
Randomize
