He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Why yes actually, getting stoned and reading an AARP magazine IS totally where I wanted my night to end!
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
Well I guess I'll go shower now and wash all the stripper off.
Best part about a crippling state-wide drought? Actually having a valid excuse for not showering
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I woke up naked wrapped in a wolf blanket on the bathroom floor
He was imitating a sprinkler when he started puking. Hence- vomit sprinkler. Some people just can't handle their tequila
so at target i bought condoms, on sale undies, pasta roni, and martini mix. the old lady who rang me up asked "honey are you a freshman?" yea lady i am, thanks.
Oh please. Preoccupy yourself with my penis.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
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