my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
my passenger side seat is covered in alcoholic jello with a nude mannequin in it
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
I just wanna get drunk and watch Tarzan with you is that to much to ask?!?
I just shaved my pubes into a heart shape. if that doesn't scream romantic idk what does
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
Randomize
