I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
last night we stole an a/c window unit from a frat. gonna be a great summer
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Why can't you just come over, fuck me, then leave so i can get stoned and watch law and order?
Woke up with a padlock locked onto my ear gauge and the first of many sticky note clues on my chest leading to the key.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Saddle up bitches, we're going to an orgy.
Randomize
