Just found out my brother beats off to Lauren Conrad. the Hills will never be the same.
I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.
she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
Never make a coconut bikini from a real coconut.
I smell like old thai food.
FYI - Don’t go in the downstairs bathroom. Ryan is passed out naked on the floor with a raging hard on.
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