You gave me the wrong number last night so I texted someone else something I definitely shouldn't have.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
My favorite bra is missing and I smell like beer and bad decisions. This is definitely a sign that hoe mode is activated.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Remember those neighbors I thought were FBI agents? Turns out they're DEA.
Randomize
