I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
The guy next to me just said he wont play beer pong on principle. Im scared.
I think I need practice at oral sex
I own a practice facility.
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
Randomize
