the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
The perfect world is just rainbows and rocknroll and good sex. With the occasional stripper ridIng a horse. I spelled occasionally right?
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
