I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
and i thought it was paint or jizz but it was cheese
please tell me you didnt taste test that
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
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