can't remember last night but the beers were $3.50, so i can count how many I had by counting my quarters
i can afford to take several trips up and down the parkway right now if I wasn't still hanging over my toilet
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
So, it's been almost 3 months and and I still dont know her last name. That's gotta be a record.
She told me having sex was our civic duty. How can I not love her?
I need more than 2 fuckable people this is an outrage
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
Fuck. I did it again. I plugged in my toaster and walked away thinking it needed to preheat. I am dumb.
I told him to not try to hang out with me ever again and now I regret it Bc im bleeding through my uterus and just want him to suck on my aching nipples
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