I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I made him an O's fan. One pic of my tits coming out of a Baltimore shirt and it was done.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
I vaguely remember us chasing shots by licking each other's faces last night. Our friendship has reached another level completely.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
At least I know that however bad my life gets and how low I can feel I'll never feel shitting in a red robin parking lot low
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I never thought my selfie stick would come in handy for nudes.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
