I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
Dude, I lost my shirt, and my doorknob is gone. I'm not sure which I should find first
Drunk girl in a bikini just tried to bite my face, it's officially spring break
Well he's a 33 year old furniture salesman that picked up at 19 year old buying a bedroom set for her room. I can see how that would be awkward
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
Randomize
