you guys were way drunker than both of me
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
girl I've been sleeping with this summer as per her request just gave me a carton of cigs to thank me for my "hospitality". this is good.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
...this is why fuck buddies should be only for grownups.
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
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