I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
the real housewives of new jersey finale is tonight. it makes me wish we had pot.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground
I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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