we just watched the ball drop on the spanish channel. best mistake of my life.
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
But Monday we'll be living in a post-apocalyptic hellscape. Also, I'm going to a champagne tasting.
Woke up in an unfamiliar pair of underwear, running shoes but no socks, and a cowboy hat. Thank you crown royal
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
Its kind of weird knowing that im only seeing you that day to fuck in some woods
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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