2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
wait, did i just see you litter out your window??
umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
he came to me for relationship advice and we ended up fucking in my backseat
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I forgot wine drunk hurts
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
